How Deep Listening Is The Best Gift You Can Give Someone
Personal Growth
suffering and listening
When was the last time you listened to somebody?
I mean, truly listen and not listen only to answer?
When was the last time you felt truly heard?
Also known as compassionate listening, deep listening as defined by my favorite Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, “is listening only for the purpose of relieving suffering in the other person.”
Suffering is a commonality that exists in all of us, and it is also that invisible thread that connects us all as humans. On a personal scale, suffering resides in all of us, in different magnitude- it just has multiple names.⠀
Fear. Anger. Despair. Loneliness. Anxiety. Resentment. ⠀
Anger without the ego is really just grief- and that is a state of suffering too. Each of these words is just a different name for pain; for suffering. But so often, the notion of suffering is not embraced or witnessed in its truth. Rather it is mostly ignored, denied, avoided, or dismissed as shame. This further reinforces family and ancestral patterns and programming within families as the core of acknowledging the truth of suffering was ignored. When our suffering is ignored and dismissed, our suppressed emotions amplify and we become angry, resentful, misunderstood and depressed. When we offer our compassionate listening, we are also providing a safety net for them to allow their emotional wounds to heal. It is only through expressing will the healing truly begin. Compassion is always our highest invitation of unconditional love.
Think about how it feels like when you have someone who is there just to listen to you. Think about the last time you left a voice message for someone? The feeling of expressing yourself in an uninterrupted manner? How did that feel?
So often when we are looking for a confidante to share our thoughts and our rants, we are not actually looking for advice, we are looking for a listener.
Can you be one today?
“Deep listening can open the doors for the speaker
to let go of the past.”
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Gemini lessons
At this point of writing, it is the Gemini Season of the Lunar Cycle.
Gemini/Sagittarius has also taken over our collective’s Lunar Nodes from May 5th 2020 until 19 January 2022. This Gemini/Sagittarius axis is all about communication. Gemini will occupy the North Node of the moon while Sagittarius will reside in the South Node of the moon. The North Node in Gemini also means spearheading new choices, curiosity, ambitious desires, communication and social energy. The South Node in Sagittarius unveils old, familiar issues in need of digesting, decomposing, harvesting, and release. (You can read more about our North and South Nodes here) In simplified terms, we are in for a ride in the sign of Gemini until the start of January 2022.
Gemini is also ruled by the planet of Mercury which governs intellect and communications. The chakra associated with Mercury is our throat chakra. The questions we will be asking ourselves during this entire Lunar Nodes cycle is how can we better speak our truth? Are we communicating our deepest desires? Are we listening? How can I be a better listener? Are we holding discernment in what we are being told about?
Being someone who is heavily into Astrology, I love to share my insights for anyone with an interest in understanding more about Astrology by themselves and you can read more about them here. Because of this season we are in, I felt intuitively guided to share about the topic of Communication in this two-part series. Today will be on listening and becoming a better listener.
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listening as a healing tool
In Thich Nhat Hanh’s The Art Of Communicating, he explained that deep listening is mindfully taking in what others have to say without judging them. When we allow deep listening in the conversation, we are also allowing ourselves to listen attentively with compassion and encouraging them to release and unload their distress; their sufferings.
The truth is that we do not truly listen as much as we wish to. In most occasions, we may find ourselves only half listening because the other half is conjuring a reply or a piece of advice for that person or worst, mindlessly somewhere else. Unintentionally, we may also find the other half of ourselves applying the context in relation to our personal life, diverting the entire purpose of the conversation in the first place. It is completely normal to feel the need to respond and react by interrupting the person. However, we also inadvertently take their power away to truly release their suffering.
Another beauty of deep listening, besides offering them a safe space to suffer less, is the opportunity to rediscover a new trait of the person speaking. Ever rediscovered something new and unknown about your best friend, your spouse, your parent or your colleague when you give them your undivided attention? When we allow and encourage the other to speak and for us to truly listen, we are opening the doors of presence to learn more about them that we never observe before-how exciting is that?
Deep listening is a deeply personal but completely trainable skill. It requires us to put ourselves behind, emptying our voices for a change and genuinely hold the space for the one in front of us to speak. Deep listening takes us on a spiritual practice away from our ego-mind. This skill is especially important when we have to confront one who holds differing opinions and values from us; values that may be deeply embedded from traditional and old programmings and belief systems. Only when we allow them to be heard in their perspective, can we create a chance of dissolving and shifting the pain that they hold within them.
“there is a voice that don’t use much
words- Listen.”
below are 5 tips you can use in your life to become a better listener:
SET AN INTENTION
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When you realized that the person in front of you needs to speak, set an intention to be a compassionate/deep listener. Remind yourself of your purpose which is to help them shift their suffering to a place of healing by letting them express themselves. A simple intention can be like, “It is my turn to be a compassionate listener.” or “It is my time to listen now.”
OFFER YOUR ATTENTION & DO NOT INTERRUPT
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It is very easy and almost effortless to feel a need to interrupt a conversation or a need to check your phone when the other is speaking. Withhold all these urges and habitual tendencies by putting these devices away. The best way to offer your attention is to look the person in the eye and not elsewhere. Keeping eye contact is also a form of validation for the person to continue sharing especially if he/she may not feel 100% or feel anxious speaking about it. Offering our presence is one of the highest gifts we can ever gift for someone. If you catch yourself being distracted, keep bringing yourself back with the eye contact. Do not offer advice until or unless the person asks for it. You can leave the advice or correcting the misunderstanding for another conversation.
PUT YOUR JUDGEMENTS ASIDE
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This is a huge thing for me as oftentimes, I will catch myself making silent judgments of my loved ones. It is important to remember regardless of the decisions or actions of the person, our purpose in this context is not of judgment but compassionate listening. Regardless of the context, know that his/her feelings may and may not resonate like yours and that is okay too. Allow the person to express themselves freely and withhold any form of assumptions. We are not here to punish, attack or criticize them further at this present moment- our goal is the opposite.
TAILOR TO THEIR NEEDS
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Each and every one of us has a different coping mechanism. The way you cope may be different from the way he/she copes. One might prefer a non-intrusive text form of sharing while another might prefer a face to face method of sharing. Remember to be a compassionate listener in the language and safety they understand and prefer. Tailor to their needs and tendencies instead of ours. Our goal here is to hold and respect a sacred space for them where safety speaks to them.
AFFIRMING, NOURISHING SPEECH
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During the conversation, one may feel uncomfortable with sharing everything all at one go. You may help affirm him/her with a nourishing speech. We nourish others with our loving speech by always being honest and compassionate. It could be like, “ I am here for you- please go on” or “I understanding you are hurting right now-would you like to talk about it.” These affirming words will further empower them to feel safe in sharing themselves.
One of the most precious gifts that we can offer to one is the gift of presence- through listening.
As Thich Nhat Hanh once mentioned, “ When we’re able to produce a compassionate thought, this thought begins to heal us, heal the other, and heal the world.
I have always been a communicative person but admittedly, listening isn’t a huge trait of mine. It is, however, my life-long mission and desire to become a better listener to loved ones and strangers alike. I hope one day we will all unlock this invaluable gift of compassionate healing. Give those tips above a go and let me know how it has worked for you!
Compassion is an integral topic of Bhava: Your Mindfulness Self-Love Toolkit. In it, we will be discussing a lot on self-compassion and how we can honor ourselves with it. It is an INWARDS journey towards a true embodiment of self-love. In this toolkit, we discuss how fear holds us back, its limiting beliefs and contains practices to move through them. We also discuss aspects of boundaries, compassion and inner child work. Self-love is the building block to attract the highest frequency we deserve. You can read more about Bhava here or if you would like to give the lighter version of it a go, nourish yourself with the FREE downloadable: 4 Days With Mini-Bhava.
Sat Nam,
Sylvia
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I am Sylvia— the founder, writer, intuitive healer, and human design reader of Arawme. “Arawme” is basically, a raw me put together.
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