The Art Of Surrender: How I Release The Need For Control
personal growth, healing, spirituality
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Surrendering is not about inaction, indifference and passivity.
Surrendering is about holding the frequency of deep trust. It bears the seed of acceptance. It is about being and holding the vision for what is yours will always magnetise its way to you.”
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One of the biggest wisdom that I learned about life since my second awakening was the power of freewill, the beauty of surrender for what is and what is to come.
I used to be this person… A person who needed to plan ahead for most things. I liked that things were in order and most of the time— my way. I felt safer when I could control the outcomes, manage and predict reactions and situations. More than usual, I liked to always have a plan B and have something to fall back on. I wanted to understand, analyse, conceptualise everything (Bless my active Ajna gates). Uncertainties daunt me and the idea of being perceived as misunderstood and confused frightens me.
In a world driven by the patriarchy, we live in a culture that celebrates and nurtures productivity and achievement over pleasure and emotional fulfillment. Societal and cultural conditioning further stem the notion that it was important to be in control. The patriarchal dominated world have domesticated us from a young age to desire and value short term results and instant gratification. It is all about structure, control, goals, quick and proven results and outcomes. The mind finds safety in control, vigilance, reason and logic. The soul does the opposite. It simply chooses love, trust, and magnetize. The soul simply just be in the present moment. As we steer away from the reins of control and logic of the mind, we gravitate towards tuning inwards into our soul’s higher wisdom and the higher power of the Universe.
A big misconception about surrendering is that surrendering is about inaction, indifference and passivity.
It isn’t sitting on the couch and bawling your eyes out and expecting someone to come and save/rescue you. It isn’t scrolling on Tiktok/Instagram to pass time during a job search, hoping a job magically lands in front of you. Surrendering does not undermine laziness, toxic behaviors, low self esteem, lack of accountability towards our healing, desires, shadows and goals. Surrendering involves a deep awareness of acceptance and a consistent decision to release the outcomes and expectations held hostage by the mind. It is about witnessing and holding the vision firmly, yet not letting the mind underpin the process and pathway to arrive at that vision. The art of surrendering rises about inaction and passivity. On contrary, the art of surrendering is action-oriented. It is about holding the frequency of deep trust. It is planting the seed of deep acceptance. It is intention-setting. Surrendering is leaning into your feminine flow. It is about being and holding the vision that what is yours will always magnetize towards you. It is all-encompassing. It is having the courage to ask, to receive and to create momentum for it to fall through.
It is the holding of spaciousness and lightness even in the perils of uncertainty.
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The Reins Of Control
The opposite of surrender is that of control, one that runs parallel with power, action, results, productivity and accomplishment in its highest expression.
A theme of the masculine energy. Yet, at its lowest nature, it is a theme that binds all of humanity together with a common thread of suffering and pain. This can present itself through emotions of frustration, exhaustion and burn out. Control is necessary and progressive when it instills structure, resources and is managed by the healthy feminine integration of compassion, wisdom, trust and grace. Control at its lower nature is reactive. The root of it demands expectations and fosters actions/reactions out of fears of rejection and inadequacy. Nevertheless, control itself is also deeply mutative and capable of ushering deep transformation and growth when we finally begin to learn (or unlearn) and transmute it.
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A note about the Universe and us
You and I are physical beings having a spiritual experiences on Earth. Co-creators of our realities with the Universe.
As human beings, we wield the power of free will. A powerful gift that dictates and permeates our reality more than we can mostly comprehend. A gift that we can constantly choose, whether to wield it out of fear and safety, or love and trust. A gift often feared, misunderstood but so, very powerful. Every free will; every choices are invitations to a new course of reality, a new sets of energies; none better than the other; none more right or wrong either. That is the beauty of being human and the nature for the evolution of our soul consciousness. When we realise that we are co-creators of our realities with the Universe, we are attuned to the art of true surrender, not passivity, inaction or fear and its need for control.
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My story about control and releasing it
I often get asked by others about how my spiritual and personal development journey began— what kind of rebirth and death have I gone through, and most importantly how do I arrive at the current version of me. This version who holds this well of self-love, self-compassion, self-trust, wholeheartedness, and self-sovereignty.
Just before my second spiritual awakening, I fell in love with a beautiful man. A man I loved with all my heart. A man who always made my heart sing, a man who was an epitome of passion, drive and direction. He inspired me. He was also a man who cannot be more different from me. He was someone from a different cultural and religious upbringing from mine. His family was religious, traditional and conservative, while my family was liberal, open-minded and I cannot be a more worldly Singaporean.
I had always clung on a deep impending fear that our differences may one day pull us apart. We were committed and he wanted to marry me and have me converted to Islam. He mentioned marriage a few times when he turned the age of 25. At 25 years old, it is a cultural and societal expectation that a Maldivian man should marry a wife. I rejected him because he did not get me a gemstone ring. It was (extremely) childish but deep down a part of my soul knew it should not need to change myself in any ways for love. When I rejected him, he was thoroughly heartbroken, and being constantly pressured from his family. He decided he would marry anyone who would marry him. And he did, he found her. They decided to marry each other within 6 months after we had broken up. I was shattered and was hardly functional for work. Since we were both living and working in the same resort in the Maldives, we struggled to stay away from one another. I remember the days and nights we would spend together. I remember the nights I would be crying to sleep, convincing him that he did not have to do it, that he was strong enough. I felt that I deserved the ending as I was the one who gave him up first. I remember the nights I would lay by his chest while he called her goodnight. I remember myself begging for him to open the door when he refused. He cheated with me until about 2 months before his marriage. The pain I felt insurmountable.
I remember wanting to control everything and for everything to be in order, to right the wrong, in my terms of course. I couldn’t accept his decision and deemed it morally wrong. I had even confessed to his wife about our relationship and caused her much confusion and pain. I wanted to break their marriage because I believed it was a marriage built on settling and companionship, not love. We were all in pain. Most importantly, I wanted to save all three of us from our karma. Not knowing that the only reason I allowed myself to be in such pain was because of my inability to accept the situation and their free will upfront.
I could not release the idea of control.
Twin flames, past life karmic soulmates… you name it… I had spent a great deal of effort and time determined to reason and justify the situation/outcome. I struggled to accept the reality. I had allowed the labels of the relationship itself justify my worth, my suffering and pain. But I have since renounced the labels that defined the turbulence in our relationship and yet catalysed of our separation and individual growth.
I share the above because I want to let you know that I too knew what victim hood is and how it was staring back at me in my mirror every single day. I knew about my pointy fingers, self-doubts and limiting beliefs. I knew that the very fears of releasing control was rooted in my wounding of inadequacy and my lack of self-love. I knew I needed to learn and accept free will and learn about the power of true surrendering. Above all, I knew I needed to look within and begin to heal all over. And perhaps, only when I heal myself, will they begin to heal themselves too.
And I am certain you can too.
Control manifests differently in everyone’s life. But more than likely, they are inherently reflected through what you value in your life— your most intimate relationships, your possessions, your home life and your professional life. As much as it may manifest differently for all of us, it will always find a way to rise up in our human experience. After all, it is the biggest conditioning for humanity where each of our soul has chosen to undertake in this lifetime and hopefully inspire the rest to transcend beyond its shadows too.
Below are some tips for surrendering and releasing control in your life:
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Be curious of about your reasons for control
Adopt a beginner’s mindset. Adopt a gentle self-inquiry, but avoid heavy self-judgement. Are your reasons for the need of that specific outcome/situation rooted in proving to someone? yourself? Are your attachment to the outcomes rooted in fear of rejection, inadequacy? Were you rejected before in a similar situation? Are your perfectionism rooted in fears? Is it really that bad or are you allowing a vision of the future by your mind - cloud your present moment. Have you noticed that each time you choose control, you are also choosing fear over love?
⊹Ask more of What instead of Why
Although it is important to understand cognitively and acknowledge our whys and the ways we can heal ourselves through curious self-contemplation. It is easy to be stuck in it. It is imperative and more freeing when we shift our mental narrative from self-victimising to empowering self-talks. Instead of, Why am I like this?, try, What can I do about this? What can I control that are within my means? What are the things that are not within my control that I can release right now? When we begin focusing more on our what(s) instead of why(s), we create more spaciousness for noticing our potential rather than our limitations. Obviously, this itself is a habit to practice and re-learn. It takes consistent practice and diligence to shift your mental narrative.
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Take 10 deep breaths when you are feeling reactive
Control is synonymous with reactivity. One of the things I do and suggest to my clients is taking 10 deep breaths when I am reactive to calm myself down. This allow space for clarity to settle without letting your emotions dictate your responses. When we self-regulate, we also prevent the unintentional projections of our emotions. Deep breathing from your diaphragm also signals your nervous system to calm down and reduce hyper vigilance. Hyper vigilance through acts of nagging/nitpicking are signs of nervous system dysregulation and a need of control. One can begin by putting a hand on their abdomen to signal themselves to take 10 deep breaths. Find ways to self-soothe yourself and regulate your nervous system. This can be done by taking some time in your own energy, being in nature etc. I personally appreciate being myself and engage in my downtime with my favourite songs.
⊹Accept that it is okay to not understand everything in life (people, situations, decisions)
Accepting is the crux of surrendering.
I used to need to understand everything in my life- every decisions; every individual and every situation. Pondering, conceptualising, analysing… But the truth is, we can never understand another individual or their decisions when they have not understood themselves. And even if they do understand themselves, our presence in their life is not to change/judge them but to embrace their current becoming. A huge part of surrendering is acknowledging and accepting the person to be just the way they are, not putting them on a pedestal. This is so even if they have made decisions we might not agree with or when they have undesirable traits or attributes within them. Because just as they have flaws and unfavorable tendencies, we do too. One’s self awareness and emotional maturity is directly tied to the amount of inner work and healing we have undertaken in our journey thus far. Everyone is on own respective journey, none better or more beautiful than the other. No growth begins at the same pace or page. I’ve learned that there are so many things I will never fully grasp, master or understand in life. And that is okay too.
Life is full of mysteries, a joyride, a roller coaster and sometimes—appreciating the unknown can be incredibly liberating if you choose see it that way.
⊹make your peace your highest priority
Your peace is sacred.
When we prioritize our peace, we are also prioritizing our self-worth. Oftentimes, the need of control is tied to attaching our self-worth with idealized outcomes and situations to please everyone. People-pleasing tendencies begin when we prefer to prioritize others and unknowingly through it, we give our power away. Begin by embracing and befriending imperfections. Imperfections in the art you create, imperfections on the cobbled streets you walk on, the imperfections that mark every street light in the city/town you live in, imperfections in the way the lady across the table eats, imperfections in the mismatched socks you wore today... Look at nature and observe imperfections too. Choose individuality and authenticity. Surround yourself with like-minded individuals who prioritise joy, happiness and authenticity rather than perfectionalism.
You are worthy of healthy connections, individuals and opportunities that lifts you up instead of leaving your self-worth questionable. Begin by loving your inner landscapes and imperfections, and holding the same lens outwardly to the world. Hold healthy, and accountable role models/inner circle who live life authentically even when they do show up (or not) on social media spaces. Draw boundaries and hold discernment in the ways you engage with the world. Let go of anyone who disrupt your peace or do not share similar values with you. Be willing to disappoint others and do not let anyone overright your inner peace. When you make your peace your priority, you will slowly learn to carry the ease and clarity of your body’s guidance and the Universe’s wisdom. A wisdom that has been ebbing gently in your life thus far.
“Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all.”
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Trust the process
In my younger days, one thing that was easy and in-exhaustive for me was my deep trust in the process. It wasn’t that I was naturally resilient or that I have not felt ran over by a truck in my life before. Even so, there has been a dark period of my life where trust was nowhere near and the future looks bleak. But trust in the process, is very important for me. I always held a firm vision of the destination/end goal. However keeping in mind that there may be more than one trajectory to get there. Sometimes in life, we may be presented with trials or tribulations and have to make a few wrong turns before finally arriving there. Sometimes, we are even presented with something completely unprecedented, but so much more worthwhile. And maybe the beauty of life isn’t much about the destination, but the journey of places and experiences that contribute to our becoming that matters more.
It is my role here to remind you that our souls have made an agreement in this lifetime for certain experiences that we must go through. Nothing that is meant for us will ever fall through our fingers. The Universe knows no timeline, just frequency and its up to you to match your frequency with it.
Surrendering is allowing yourself to be held with a tight embrace and a warm blanket.
And that tight embrace is the Universe. Knowing that you are infinitely guided and supported by the Divine; knowing that trust goes a long way and that nothing is a coincidence but a episode towards growth. It is being courageous and walking into the unfolding without evidence or proof, but a deep visceral knowing and the gentle guidance of your soul. At every instances where a decision is needed, you are always presented with an opportunity to choose trusting the process, releasing control and leaning into the power of true surrendering.
You always have a choice darling.
Like every habit, releasing control and the art of surrender takes time. Go easy with yourself. And it is okay to witness yourself in instances when you let fear and control overwhelm you or hinder you from your Higher self’s deep guidance. A warrior is not born overnight. You are already blooming.
May your highest self and courage continue to guide you.
Sat Nam,
Sylvia
Interested in diving inwards right now already? Consider Bhava: Your Journey Inwards Toolkit, a free resource dedicated for navigating one’s journey inwards. In this toolkit, we discuss how fear holds us back, its limiting beliefs and contains practices to move through them. We also discuss aspects of loose and healthy boundaries, compassion and inner child work. You can read more about Bhava here.
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I am Sylvia— the founder, writer, intuitive healer, and human design reader of Arawme. “Arawme” is basically, a raw me put together.
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