Personal growth

Suffering.

On a broader scale, many people would associate the term suffering as dire starvation, discord, violence, conflict, poverty, mass adversities, insecurity, and so on. But on a personal scale, suffering resides in all of us, in different magnitude- it just has multiple names.⠀
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Fear. Anger. Despair. Loneliness. Anxiety. Resentment.
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Anger without the ego is really just grief- and that is a state of suffering too. Each of these words is just a different name for pain; for suffering.

Sometimes suffering may also be rephrased and manipulated to look and mean something else. Suffering is a commonality that exists in all of us, and it is also that invisible thread that connects us all as humans. But so often, the notion of suffering is not embraced or witnessed in its truth. Rather it is mostly ignored, denied, avoided, or dismissed as shame. This further reinforces family and ancestral patterns and programming within families as the core of acknowledging the truth of suffering was ignored. In Buddhism, suffering is known as dukkha. Its definition is not confined to grave physical pain, but rather the mental suffering we undergo in the fleeting nature of life, and when our experiences become difficult, disempowering and unsatisfying. Unlike modern-day school and education systems, suffering is highly embraced in the teachings of Buddhism and forms the foundation of the Four Noble Truths.

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Compassion and Empathy

One of my favorite writer, Sharon Salzberg, author of Real Love and Real Change described compassion poignantly as,

“the quivering of the heart in response to pain or suffering.”

Compassion in Sanskrit refers to Karuna (करुणा). Karuna, is not just empathy, but taking an active role in alleviating someone’s suffering and ultimately healing it. One can view compassion as action-themed rather than the affective/relational-themed empathy.

Empathy is the ability to relate to and share another’s pain. Empathy is a state of mind. This may be like visualizing yourself in that person’s shoes, empathizing with their emotions and situation. Compassion, on the other hand, involves an active role in alleviating someone’s suffering. It is not feeling sympathy for one but rather seeing someone equally as they are, and taking intentional steps to alleviate their suffering. In my opinion, compassion at its core is an intentional act driven by unconditional love.

To quote an example, imagine coming across a newly-homeless man in a street that you often take to work every single day. It certainly looked like he had a difficult situation prior which eventually resorted to his needs to be on the streets. Empathy will be putting yourself in his shoes, feeling his current living situation and his grief (suffering). Compassion will look like putting your judgments aside, befriending and listening to his story. Compassion will look like buying an additional sandwich and having a meal with him together. Compassion will look like offering him your time and listening ears. Compassion will look like motivating him to start over again. Compassion will look like finding ways to get him into a formal living situation and applying for jobs. Compassion may feel a little slightly naive or almost feeling like a doormat- but you do it anyway. Above all, compassion is unconditional and comes from the heart.

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My Story

I came from a country where there are not many homeless people around. Back in 2014, I was living and studying in New Zealand as a student. I had a part-time job in a cafe along the main street in my town. Every day during closing, we would have so many leftover bread and pastries that were going to be thrown away. I made a deal with my bosses then to take as many as I could to reduce food wastage. Most of the time, I would pass it to my housemates, the bus drivers and even strangers on the bus. One evening, there was a newly homeless man sitting a distance on the street where I would wait for my bus. I never got a chance and courage to properly talk to him. But each time I would give him a few of those leftover buns. It went on for a few weeks until he disappeared and never appeared again. It has been years, I never knew but a part of me really wished something good happened to him then and took him out of that situation.

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compassion and connection

There is a deep well of compassion inside each of us. Compassion has a profound ability for deepening connections. When we allow compassion in our lives, it represents seeing ourselves and the other as equal. It is understanding and accepting that pain is a delicate commonality that exists in all of us. It is embracing that suffering is part of life and holding space for it instead of averting and withholding ourselves from its truth. Once we know how to get in touch with it, we can use that energy for transformation and healing within us and for others. Holding space means creating a safe and inclusive space for others and yourself to unload; to suffer less. It is where deep listening and mindfulness comes into practice. It is a support system that begins and ends with compassion.

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4 Tips To cultivate compassion

Mindfulness

According to Mindful, “Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us.” Mindfulness is a skill that is innate in all of us, it just gets better with practice. When cultivated in our lifestyle, we are able to suspend judgments to ourselves and others, unleash healing, harness the ability of discernment, be less stressed and live a happier and peaceful life.

Think about the last person you reacted to. Was it your mom? Or the rude lady in the supermarket or your annoying friend over text? One of my favorite quotes mentioned something like- you are the mirror of your reaction and how the person has reacted in that uncomfortable situation has nothing to do with you. We are just responding to our mirrored mental state of being. When we choose to react to a situation, it is important to bring our presence and awareness in acknowledging that somewhere in the situation- our reaction revealed a wounding or healing within us that we have to work on or show compassion to. The situation was just a reflection of your mental state. The same for them when they reacted. It is also important to realize this notion whenever you are comparing yourself or admiring someone in a positive light. The light within them exists within you too. Show compassion for yourself and show compassion to others. So revisit that moment again, recognize that the other person is you, and you always have a choice to react or respond calmly.

Practice more Empathy

Empathy is the gateway to compassion. Empathy is the ability to relate to and share another’s pain. Empathy is a state of mind. Have you thought about what triggers you to feel emotional when you watch the news/films/documentaries etc? Personally, I get very emotional when I watch a wedding scene or when I am watching or reading about homeless people.

If you consider yourself one who is already empathetic, keep going. If you are not, perhaps it is not too late to begin cultivating more empathy in your life right now. Take this practice from a fictional film/movie/drama/story that you are currently watching/reading. Take up a form of suffering that is being experienced in the fictional life that you are watching/reading about. Feel the situation deeply and imagine the suffering that is experienced by that individual. Go deeper into the empathy practice by repeating this with someone you love in your physical life. It could be your friend who just lost her father/a dog/her job/had his or her heartbroken. It is a skill that takes time to cultivate. When we learn to empathize, we allow ourselves to go deeper and work on offering our compassion in the ways that are needed to the individual and ourselves.

Be kind

Kindness is free. Being kind can begin with a smile. Has anyone been kind to you recently? What can you do something today to make someone’s day? Being kind to one does not necessarily mean that the person is suffering or having a difficult time. Sometimes, kindness is offered even when the person offering it is having a difficult time. Kindness, like compassion, is unconditional too. At writing, the world is going through a pandemic and all of our physical lives are disrupted. A virtual/digital life does not limit the spread of kindness. Kindness can exist as a simple virtual, reach-out call, or message to a stranger or someone you love. What ways can you spread kindness in this downtime? Being someone who expresses love in words of affirmation, I like to end conversations with, “ sending you love,” or “you are in my thoughts,” or “thank you for being in my life.” Simple phrases like this can make someone’s day- give it a try.

Practice loving-kindness

Also known as Metta meditation, loving-kindness is a popular practice to cultivate more compassion in you. I learned about it in Real Love, an extraordinary book written by Sharon Salzberg and I cannot recommend it enough if you would like more knowledge about love, compassion and loving-kindness. Practicing loving-kindness begins by offering it to yourself, then a neutral party and finally a difficult party. The first step is to choose the phrases that mean to you. It could be anything. I would always make loving kindness a part of my prayer before I sleep. When I am out too, I would (as often as I can) silently recite this prayer for every individual I cross path with during the day. Sometimes, I would be walking along a road or commuting on a train and reciting it in my mind. Everyone we cross path with has an individual story that we don’t know. Suffering is a commonality that unites us all as humans. Share the love, share compassion. Give it a try and don’t forget to smile ( :

Below are my personal loving-kindness phrases that I have been using for 2-3 years:

May I be safe, may I be happy, may I be healthy, may I live life with ease.

May you be safe, may you be happy, may you be healthy and may you live life with ease.

I hope this article gave you a deeper insight on the difference between compassion and empathy, and most of all, how we can cultivate more compassion in our life too. I hope it will also empower you to recognize that suffering is integral in life. It is our choice to either embrace this simple truth and offer our compassion or withhold ourselves and dismiss it. Let compassion be the vehicle for connection for you and everyone else.

Compassion is an integral topic of Bhava: Your Journey Inwards Toolkit, a free resource dedicated for navigating one’s journey inwards.  In this toolkit, we discuss how fear holds us back, its limiting beliefs and contains practices to move through them. We also discuss aspects of loose and healthy boundaries, compassion and inner child work. You can read more about Bhava here.

All my love,

Sylvia

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I am Sylvia— the founder, writer, intuitive healer, and human design reader of Arawme. “Arawme” is basically, a raw me put together.

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